Why Can’t My Family Be Like the Duggars?

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We’ve all seen the show.  You know what I mean.  You see the mom and the dad with big grins on their faces, all their kids have smiles, and their all dressed.  Heck, they even all do chores and are happy to do it.

The holidays and winter are upon us which means my children will be forced to spend time together.  I have to tell you I secretly wish for year round school because all three of my kids together equals the action of a three-ring circus and not in a good way.

Just the other day, there was a huge argument over who gets to eat the last bowl of Frosted Flakes.  It was so loud and went on for so long that I have now banned sugar cereal from the house forever.  We shouldn’t be eating that stuff anyway.

This morning the tween had an early morning tryout for the math team so he was up with the queen.  Could we do one morning with two kids and no arguing?  Of course not.  The tween had to find out why the queen was taking so long to get dressed.  Does it matter how long it takes the queen to get dressed?  Nope, he was just stirring the pot.

Last night we had some takeout rather than a home cooked meal.  Can we all eat at the table, talk about our day, and have a nice evening?  Nope, we have to argue about who took food from someone else and who’s job it will be to put away the ketchup.

Every car ride causes squabbles about who is sitting where, who is allowed to sing, and how loud everyone is allowed to breathe.  Does this ever happen with the Duggars?  Not according to their show.  Assigned sitting in the car is a wonderful idea…something we had not too long ago.  Thinking it may be time to bring it back.

All I want for Christmas is a drama free, happy kids, and smiling parents for a full 24 hours.  How great would that be?  It would be so great that TLC would be knocking on my door wanting to film the perfect family.

I love my family and can’t imagine life without them but sometimes I need a break from the chaos.  After I’ve gone through the house and turned off fifty million lights during the holiday season, you’ll find me wearing a parka (it’s cold in Northeast Ohio),  sitting in my car that is parked in the garage, sipping my Diet Coke, and dreaming of being a Duggar family.  Someday we will be just like them…less the dresses of course!

Wow, This Place Stinks!

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The tween was recently invited to his first boy/girl birthday party.  Of course attending a birthday party requires the purchase of a gift.  Birthday parties and gift purchasing isn’t anything new to us but the tween buying for a girl turning 13…well that’s a whole new ball of wax.

I suggested we visit Bath & Body Works for a girl appropriate gift.  The tween agreed that it would be a good place because ALL the GIRLS in the seventh grade use hand sanitizer like it’s free.

For some crazy reason, the tween and I got to slip off on the gift buying adventure alone.

The fact that it was sleeting and the door to the local Bath & Body Works store was propped open should have been a clue that entering may not be a good idea.  However, we were on a mission and we pretended not to notice.  A wall of fragrance met us before our feet had made it on the doormat.

Tween:  Oh, mom this place stinks beyond belief!

Me:  Hang in there!  We just walked in the door.

Tween:  Grab something quick and let’s get out of here.

I should add here the sales staff has overheard this and are cracking up.  They offer their services but the tween wasn’t happy with their choices.

He found lots of little hand santizer choices and they were a bargain to boot.  I’ve taught them early to be savvy shoppers.  Believe it or not, they even sell little holders that light up…for a boy who is all about tech stuff, he was stoked to find this gadget.

Tween: I’ve lost a little of my manhood being in this store.  Plus, my eyes are starting to water.  So glad we’re getting ready to leave.

Me:  It’s not that bad.  Look, there’s a really manly guy behind us (super tall with 1.5 inch gauges in each ear).  As we are walking out the door I point out another man.

Tween:  Mom, they are married or boyfriends, they have no choice.  I on the other hand am 12 and have lots of choices and one of them is to not come back to a store like this.

We had a little extra time so I suggested a quick snack at the coffee shop next door.  The coffee shop was having a school event so there were several young girls sitting on stools waving to the tween as we walked by.  I suggested he should wave back.  He declined and explained that he is a hot commodity and those girls are at most in the third grade and he can’t be leading them on just because he is small for 12.

Sweet giblets, him becoming a teen is going to be an interesting journey!

 

Get Your Rake On!

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As I’ve said in a previous post, we moved recently.  Our recent move has put us into what my kids might consider a forest but is really seven our eight really big trees.  They’ve lived a lavish life of little or no lawn care into the mother of all yards.  We didn’t even own a lawn mower until early September…seriously not kidding.

We move into the forest with just one rake and a little want to be that’s been duct taped back to life. We’ve sent the teen and tween out together but  usually ends in an argument with no leaf pickup.  We’ve sent just the tween out and that ends in a rake as a light saber as he performs the stroll and does a flying leap off a bench.  It was pretty cool to see him out enjoying himself but the leaves were gaining on us.

I decided to step up the raking and included the queen who is eager to help.  Notice the use of WAS.  She and I  spent three days working on leaf collecting and it has gotten us nowhere.

Yesterday I decided what our house needed was a second rake and more of those brown lawn bags.  Seems our town will collect the leaves but only if they are in brown bags.  They have to be in the bags not a big pile because the town doesn’t own one of those leaf sucker uppers that our past town had.

The queen and I had done a lot of raking and bagging on Tuesday and when I mentioned a trip after school yesterday she was ready to head to the local hardware store because they may just be selling cool duct tape at discounted prices…no dice on a good tape sale.

Before getting in the car the queen noticed the yard where we were working the day before:

Queen:  MOM, have you seen the yard?!  Are you kidding me?  Why did we do all that work because today you can’t even tell we picked up three bags and the teen bagged three too!

Me:  I know we’re out of bags so we need to get some more.  And, I think we may have become a two rake family.

Queen:  I sure hope Lowe’s has a good deal on tape.

Me:  Me too but we’re on the lookout for gloves, bags, and rake.  As a side note, I decided the gutters on the house needed to be removed of leaves too.  I’m not a real get her hands dirty kind of gal.  My dad and the two Lowe’s employees (who don’t even know me), got a good laugh out of my thinking I was going to do the gutters.

We make it home with our purchases and the best rake Ever.  The queen says it’s great because the leaves don’t stick.  She raked a little and I tackled the ladder and the gutter.  Just saying, gutter cleaning is nasty and would have only removed one little chunk had it not been for the queen who told me to man up because I was screaming about having leaf juice spray on my face.

There are still mounds of leaves in the yard.  So many that the neighbor brought over the number of a landscaper who uses a leaf sucker upper as they continued to make a row of leaf filled plastic bags to line their yard.  I think they are secretly trying to keep our leaves out of theirs.  They only have pine trees at the very edge of their property…their bags are all filled with our leaves!

I still am not a fan of anything to do with outside work but I have really enjoyed the time spent with the queen and tween over a pile of leaves this week.  So, get your rake on and spend some time with your kids…they grow up so fast!  If you happen to be tree free, you are welcome to bring your family to our home we have plenty of leaves to share!

Just Another Dirty Gym Uniform

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I don’t know about your house but I really think my family looses their minds over the weekend.  It is always Crazy Town when Monday hits.  Recently, my tween comes down carrying his gym uniform wanting to know why I didn’t wash it.  Probably because I didn’t know he had brought it home.

After a quick lecture from him on hygiene, I suggested he wear it another week and bring it back again next week.  I know Bad Mommy of the Year Award.  He throws it in the bag and waits a week to try again.  This time when he mentions washing the uniform I’m in the middle of putting dinner on the table but I stop everything I’m doing and throw that thing in with some Tide.

As my family tries to eat dinner and talk over the washing machine, I know in the back of my mind Monday will be smooth sailing.  He’ll be so excited to have a clean smelling uniform!

Flash forward to Monday:  Hey Tween, don’t forget your gym uniform.  It’s all ready to go.  Don’t want you to be without it.

Tween:  I don’t need it until Wednesday.  We only have gym Wednesday and Friday.

Me:  Are you serious?  Thought last week you were all worked up about not having a clean uniform

Tween:  Mom, we’re all in middle school.  We all smell bad.  I can go a few weeks between washing that thing.

Do you hear that banging?  It’s just me hitting my head on the kitchen granite.

Have a great week and be glad there’s just one Monday a week!  I hope it’s a smell good one too!  If it’s not, your secret is safe with me.

 

I’m Back!

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It’s hard to believe it’s been so long since my last post.  It is amazing at how fast life goes when living with a teen, a tween, and a wannabe queen.

We’ve moved…not to a new blog location but to a new zip code.  Moving can sure keep you on your toes and make you realize you have stuff that you don’t even know you own.  How this still happens after four moves in six years I do not know.  I think the moving companies forget to leave boxes so they just replace them with another family’s belongings.

Even though we have a new city, new zip code, and new schools we’re still the same crazy family that we’ve always been.

Halloween is fasting approaching and I like to be well stocked for the little darlings that come knock on our door and ring the blasted door bell which doesn’t work.  Well, the door bell does work but only when I’m home alone several days after a visitor has come and gone.  Yes, it’s a little freaky every single time it happens.

I don’t know about you but I don’t like to be a last-minute candy buyer.  Secretly, I like to eat those little chocolates and pretend I’m not eating them.  My Halloween candy stash is the subject of today’s little chuckle.

The queen was working on a school project yesterday and was messing around in my laundry room (aka candy stash) looking for some supplies.  She sees we have a nice selection and someone has been into that candy.

Queen:  Hey Mom, did you know there are bags of Halloween candy in the laundry room?

Me:  Yes, I know it’s there.

Queen:  Did you know someone’s been eating all that candy?

Me:  Hmmm

Queen:  Well, aren’t you going to do something about it?

Cue the chirp of crickets.

If you’re a secret Halloween candy eater, your secret is safe with me as I smuggle one more Milky Way, and a Tootsie Roll, oh and maybe a…

Trash Bags are Not Created Equal

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How do I know trash bags are not created equal?  Just ask my son the teen.  He happens to be 15 but back when he was 7 he could point out the merits of most any plastic waste bag.

You’re probably saying, “Come on, Amy, at seven?  Really?”  You betcha.

When the teen took over the taking out of the trash, Glad had just come out with a new and improved bag.  They advertised this special flexible reinforced bag that could even hold a smashed baby grand.  When you are seven, that is the bomb of all bags.  We just had to have them he said.  Like any other mom, I bought them figuring since he was so excited about his trash job this would just make things better.  Oh how wrong we both were.  Those bags were lucky to hold even a Matchbox car without tearing.

Those special reinforced bags made their way to the back of the cupboard and we happily left them behind when we moved to a different house a few years later.  Hope whomever lives in that house isn’t reading this and now discovering why we left a full box of trash bags.

A few years back we moved again to Rhode Island and lived in a condo type community.  All the trash went to a huge dumpster that was a short walk from our house.  If you’ve ever moved cross-country, you know the last thing you unpack is the stuff you really need…like Hefty trash bags.  We couldn’t find our bags so I picked up whatever at the market and then the trash drama started.  Of course, the teen (who was really a tween then) started out with the trash and it dumped out all over the drive.  The developer just happened to be there and started freaking out about trash being all over the place.  Don’t think he was prepared for the tirade the teen had to share about the bags not being Hefty and so on and so on.  It must have gone on for a while because I finally heard the developer saying something about helping pick it up and let’s just get this mess over with.  After that, I made a mad dash to Target to stop anymore trash issues.

We recently had a family meeting and reworked our family chore obligations.  The teen’s activity schedule is messing with the frequency of trash going out and we thought the tween might like to give it a try.  The tween doesn’t have to worry about the bags.  He seems pretty happy with Hefty but breaking down boxes is a sticking point with him.  Who knew the quiet one would get so freaked out about people not breaking down the boxes?  Look out world we have another lover of trash organization.

To whom do my lovely boys owe the honor of being trash perfectionists?  That would be my dad.  My dad, who has an OCD issue with trash.  He goes so far as to have clean trash (boxes, newspapers, and empty McD’s cups) go in this out in the garage.  The dirty trash is in the kitchen (for food waste and other nastiness that comes from having sometimes five grandchildren visiting at a time).  Of course we all like to chide my dad over the trash situation.  However it really does make good sense and since he is the one who removes it from the house we should probably just follow the plan.

Through it all, we could have bigger problems but I’ll be happy with happy trash taker outers.

Sparkles Too

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imageLast week, you may have remembered my post about glitter clothes attacking the rest of my every day laundry.

Imagine my surprise when I attended the queen’s poetry reading to discover the poem to the right.

Nothing like a little matematickle to crack up a mom who had nothing better to do than blog about sparkles in the laundry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

imageHere sits the queen in a glitter shirt with a beret (made by me) that she can’t stand.  Not only do I have time to blog about laundry but I can also whip up props that my children decide they don’t like.

It wasn’t until recently that I knew there were such things as mathematicals and cinquains.  Cinquain happened to be on the spelling list a few weeks ago.  Yeah, second grade is a little more advanced than it used to be.  It’s okay, I had to look it up too!